January 25, 2018

HAIRY NEW YEAR!

Words Shyla Bhagwagar

I’m telling you this now and you heard it here first, if a woman is making the effort to stay hairless, NOTICE ITTT!

YOU’RE HAIRY AND GUESS WHAT? SO ARE WE!

Go onto Google Maps and type ‘man’ into the search box, the pin goes to an empty plot surrounded by jungle on all sides. This is because getting to a man means navigating through acres of hair. We have to walk towards you with a lawn mower at all times. But guess what? We aren’t complaining. (Except ironically this one time) We get it. Grooming can be a pain and more importantly, hair is hair, it is a natural part of the human body. Us women don’t like to come across as bad people, we’re polite and sweet.

THEN WHY THE F**K DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH OUR BODY HAIR?! I’m so fed up of this whole hair removal fad. There’s only so many tall skinny hairless Katrina Kaif Veet ads I can take in a life time. Look at it this way, no average Indian woman has the looks, figure or accent she has. And we’re okay with it, If we haven’t made an effort to get any of those, what makes you think we’ll wake up one morning and work on the hair removal part?

Think I’m being a little too harsh? Allow me explain hair removal to you. There are three major ways women could get rid of body hair. Shaving, waxing and threading. Shaving is like a drunken one night stand. It’s quick and easy, but a few days down the line you’re standing in the bathroom realising there are consequences to quick fixes. Waxing is, to put it politely, as painful as stabbing yourself with a dagger and then dying from the slow and steady blood loss. They’re ripping off multiple strands from your body at the same time. Threading, on the other hand, is multiple stabs but with many tiny needles that cause death. Et tu, men?

Add to that the fact that you’re willing to notice the presence of the body hair but not acknowledge the absence of it, and everything just gets worse. It’s like you naturally just expect us to not be hairy at all times. I’m telling you this now and you heard it here first, if a woman is making the effort to stay hairless, NOTICE ITTT! Next time please don’t do the whole ‘Your eyes are windows to your soul’ crap but rather say something like “I love how you just got stabbed multiple times to live up to the patriarchal understanding of ‘sexy’”, and your relationship will go places.

I’m not even saying this from a whole feminist stand point – I just want men to stop expecting us to be hairless goddesses. Life is meaningless and painful enough on a day-to-day basis anyway. If women don’t have to go through that painful process of hair removal, that’s one less existential crisis every month.

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